The title of this post is not meant to be a delusion of grandeur on my part. It's just that for a while now I've been feeling like I've lost myself. Don't get me wrong, I love every minute I get to spend with my daughter and I'm thankful that I've been able to be with her during her first year, but I miss the old me. Corporate me. Who got up every morning, got dressed, did her makeup and wore heels to work. Who interacted with other adults on a daily basis and had a life outside of my marriage. I never imagined I'd be a SAHM, it certainly wasn't in my plans when I got pregnant with Kayla but we all know even the best laid plans go astray.
Chevron downsized and so I found myself 5 months pregnant and out of work. As I've said before, it worked out since Kayla arrived early and I got used to our day to day routine. I never fully appreciated what my mother went through for us until I became a SAHM though. My husband helps with Kayla but he doesn't understand that sometimes I just need some me time. He thinks that because I'm at home with the baby all day, I sit in front of a computer and just watch her play. That couldn't be further from the truth. Sometimes Kayla will play on her own and sometimes she's fussy and clingy and wants nothing to do with her toys. She just wants me. We go to the park so she can get some fresh air and I get my run/walk in, we got to visit my mom or my mother-in-law, or have play dates with a couple of friends. Usually, my hair is up in a bun and I'm wearing minimal makeup with a t-shirt and jeans. I have a closet full of clothes yet I feel like I wear the same stuff over and over. I'm just in a funk.
I'm trying to save money so I no longer visit the hair salon or nail regularly. I rarely buy myself new clothes because I get so caught up in looking at clothes for Kayla. I'm trying my hardest to get back in shape and change this because I feel like such a frump lately. I rarely wear makeup when I have a ton of it. I blame part of it on my sleeping schedule being utterly screwed up. Kayla was a wonderful baby and STTN like a champ. She was always a late owl but when she was down, she was down for 10-12 hours so I didn't mind her late schedule. The problem was in order to carve out some "me" time, I had to stay up later than she did. That meant going to bed at 2 or 3am which in turn meant not being up before 10am. All of that changed when Kayla started teething, her sleeping schedule went to crap. She went down at the same time, but was up every hour or half hour to comfort nurse. It made for one very tired and grouchy mommy.
Things seem to be going back to normal now, Kayla is sleeping at least 5 hours every night before waking. I'm trying to wake up earlier than she does to have my "me" time, so I can go to bed when she does. I'm trying to do something with my hair every day -- even if it's just to leave it curly and to wear a little bit of makeup every day. I just need a makeover stat! I hope I can feel more like myself before I get thrown back into the working force.
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